Parenting can be challenging, especially when you’re navigating the emotional and behavioral ups and downs of a child with ADHD. In our household, we’ve faced many hurdles, but each one has taught us valuable lessons in mindful and responsive parenting. Last night was one of those nights. It was a tough experience, but it underscored the importance of patience, understanding, and strategic intervention. Let me share with you a story that highlights these principles in action.
Understanding the Challenge: A Real-Life Parenting Story
Last night was tough. We’ve been dealing with frequent outbursts from one of our sons who has ADHD. Although he’s highly functional, he gets extremely frustrated, especially when things don’t come easily to him. After dinner, my husband was practicing tying shoes with him. It had been a while since our last practice session, and although he had gotten it before, he struggled this time. Frustration quickly set in.
Our son started whining and complaining, saying, “I can’t do it!” and began to cry. His frustration turned into flopping around, which only made my husband more frustrated. He tried to keep our son on track, encouraging him with, “It’s okay. You can do it, just try.” But the frustration was mounting on both sides.
I stepped in and suggested we take a break, reminding my husband that sometimes breaking things down into smaller steps helps. So, we had our son sit and practice just the first part of tying shoes—crossing the strings and looping one under. Even that was a struggle, but with some effort, he managed to do it a few times. He then went to brush his teeth and came back to practice again.
I made a joke, saying, “Let’s make sure it didn’t fall out of your head while you were brushing your teeth.” He tried again, but when he struggled, he said, “Oh no, it fell out of my head!” and started to cry dramatically. His cries turned into wails and then into screams.
I calmly asked, “Aiden, do you want to try again, or are you ready to go to bed?” When he didn’t answer, I said, “Okay, I need you to answer me, or I’ll have to decide for you.” He said, “I don’t know,” so I decided it was time for bed. He got more upset, crying and wailing, but I insisted, “It’s time to go to bed. Why don’t you go to the bathroom and get into bed?”
He stomped to the bathroom and came back. I asked, “Can you tell me what you’re upset about? I want to help you.” He screamed, “I’m angry because I couldn’t get it!” I reminded him not to scream and suggested he take a drink of water, a strategy we often use to help calm down.
He took a sip, but then, with a smirk, threw the cup on the ground. Normally, this would have immediately set me off, but my husband and I had been practicing mindful parenting, and I was determined to stay calm. My husband, aware of our new approach, stayed quiet even though it was hard for him.
I took a moment, counted to three in my head, and said, “Clean it up. Go get a towel and clean it up.” Aiden reluctantly complied, throwing the towel on the ground and pushing it around. He complained about fairness and having to do chores, but I stayed calm and reminded him of our earlier discussion and the plans we made.
As he slowly cleaned up, he asked why water hurts wood floors. I explained patiently, “Water seeps into the wood and warps it. Clean it up quickly.”
He finished and went to put the towel in the laundry room, but returned with a mischievous look. I told him, “I can tell by the look on your face that you did something you shouldn’t have. Go fix it.” He went back and corrected whatever he had done.
I told him, “Mommy and Daddy are going to talk about what just happened and figure out how we want to handle this because what you did is not okay. Go to bed, and we’ll talk about it more tomorrow.”
Staying Focused: Aligning Parenting Goals During Emotional Moments
“Mommy, Daddy are going to spend some time talking about what just happened and figuring out how we want to handle this. Because what you just did is not okay, we do not yell and we do not throw things and you know this. Go to bed. We’ll talk about this more tomorrow.”
This moment was huge for me. As parents, we often feel the need to give immediate consequences, but I had to remind myself of my true goal in that moment. My goal was to de-escalate and get him to bed because it was late, and we were tired.
I didn’t need to teach a lesson or ensure he knew how to tie his shoes. I didn’t need to focus on punishment. I just needed him to be calm enough to go to bed without it turning into a massive tantrum.
This whole scenario is about remembering your goals. It’s so important to talk about your goals, voice them, and discuss them with your partner. After the outburst, I told my husband, “My goal in that scenario was to de-escalate.”
I didn’t want to discuss punishment or what he did wrong, as that would have only made him cry more, likely turning into a hyperventilating cry session that would take us half an hour to calm down just so he could get to bed.
So, in that situation, I focused on de-escalation. My goal wasn’t to teach a lesson or to punish. The goal was simply to calm things down.
Finding Strength in Vulnerability: Turning to Your Partner for Support
After Aiden went to bed, my husband and I took a moment to talk. I took a deep breath, finally feeling like I could relax. As I unclenched and continued to breathe, I started to get shaky, and tears welled up in my eyes. I asked my husband to sit near me because I needed some comfort.
I told him how hard that moment had been for me. I’m someone who gets very anxious with yelling or any kind of violence. It’s like a shock to my system, and I often feel shaky, wanting to freeze or run away. Out of fear, especially when dealing with my kids, I tend to scold and yell. But this time, I took a deep breath, counted to three, and responded calmly. It was incredibly hard, and it felt like a shock to my system.
My husband came and sat next to me, put his hand on my leg, and rubbed my back. I put my head on the table, continued to breathe, and let myself feel the shakiness. We talked about how difficult it had been. My husband admitted he didn’t know how I managed to stay calm, saying it took all his willpower to sit quietly because he wanted to react too. He expressed his admiration, saying he hoped Aiden would one day realize how good of a mother he has.
These honest conversations are so important. We discussed our feelings and experiences, especially considering how we were raised. My husband shared that if anyone else had treated me the way Aiden did, he would have intervened. I reassured him that I understood and appreciated his feelings.
I reminded him that Aiden is a good kid who functions well in public and at school. He only expresses these intense emotions at home, which might mean he feels safe with us. We need to find a healthy way for him to express his anger without making it worse.
We talked about the need for a plan, discussing potential consequences for yelling and how we can proactively respond instead of reacting out of anger. My husband expressed concern about future outbursts, especially when Aiden gets older and stronger. I reassured him that our goal is to raise Aiden with good communication skills. If he has outbursts at 13, something bigger might be going on, and we need to respond with curiosity and support rather than punishment.
Ultimately, our conversation emphasized the importance of helping our child through his struggles, not just disciplining him. This experience taught us to support each other, communicate openly, and prioritize our child’s emotional well-being.
Working Together: Engaging My Kids in Creative Problem-Solving
After a challenging evening, I started brainstorming some tools we’ve used before that have been helpful for Aiden. We’ve had success with things like the Color Monster for naming emotions, but sometimes we get lax in practicing these tools. That’s when we see more outbursts. So, I decided to take action.
I used ChatGPT to get some fresh ideas for supporting an ADHD six-year-old with frequent outbursts. The suggestions were a great jumping-off point: creating a calm corner, reading books about feelings, being consistent with language, and even journaling triggers. Armed with these ideas and my own experience, I felt more in control and ready to help my boys.
I asked for a list of books about feelings and made plans to visit the library to get them. Visual aids have always worked well with my kids, so I thought about incorporating more visuals and creating a calming kit. Pinterest was a treasure trove of ideas for this.
Before bed, I spent a few minutes gathering these ideas and felt more prepared. It helped me sleep better knowing I had a plan. I reminded my husband of our success that night, celebrating that I didn’t scream or yell. It felt like a victory.
The next morning, I gathered the kids and shared my plan. “Hey, I think we should create some tools for you guys and put together a calm corner,” I said enthusiastically. “This will be a special place where you can go when you need help calming down.”
We started by finding some books about feelings. The kids got excited and fetched “The Color Monster,” “The Rabbit Listened,” and “The Happy Sad Book.” We put them in a little basket with a blanket. Next, I gave them my stress ball from my desk, explaining how to use it for anger. They were thrilled to have something of mine.
We added silly putty to the kit, making sure it was easy to access by putting it in a sandwich bag. We included tissue paper for tearing when they’re angry, giving them permission to destroy it without asking. They loved this idea! We also added some fidget toys to the basket.
I explained, “When you get upset, you have two options: go to your calm corner or read a book with Mommy. The only time I’ll send you to your room is if you’re throwing things and being violent.”
The kids spent time practicing with the toys and getting used to the calm area. I know it will take practice, but the shift in our home’s energy was immediate. They felt excited about learning to handle their feelings, feeling more in control and autonomous. Instead of feeling punished, they were taking charge of their emotions.
I’m really excited to see how this new approach will help them, and it feels great to have turned a challenging moment into an opportunity for growth and connection.
Lessons Learned: Essential Highlights from Our Parenting Experience
1. Preemptively Talking with Your Partner
One of the most crucial steps is preparing yourself for these scenarios by having a preemptive conversation with your partner about your plans. This allows them to support you effectively when the time comes. For example, my husband knew to stay quiet during Aiden’s outburst, even though his instinct was to intervene. This support was invaluable and made a huge difference in the moment. It’s essential to communicate your strategies and goals with your partner so they can back you up when needed.
2. Remembering Your Goals
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to lose sight of your primary objectives. My main goal was to de-escalate the situation, not to focus on immediate consequences or lecturing. Keeping this in mind helped me stay calm and respond in a way that diffused the tension. It’s important to have a clear goal, like creating a peaceful resolution, and remind yourself of it continuously.
3. Delaying Discussions About Consequences
Another key takeaway is the importance of delaying discussions about consequences until you’ve had time to calm down or sleep. Initially, the conversation with my husband revolved around figuring out consequences. However, after a night’s rest, the focus shifted to how we could provide our kids with the right tools to manage their emotions. This change in perspective was significant and brought a positive energy shift in our home. Taking a step back to cool down before addressing consequences can lead to more constructive solutions.
4. Celebrating Your Goals
Finally, it’s crucial to celebrate your achievements, no matter how small they may seem. My goal was not to yell at my kids, and I succeeded in that. Even though I felt lost, tired, and unsure, I managed to refocus on my primary goal. Reminding myself of this success helped me see the night as a victory. It’s important to acknowledge and celebrate these wins, as they reinforce positive behavior and build confidence.
In summary, preemptive communication with your partner, staying focused on your goals, delaying discussions about consequences, and celebrating your achievements are key strategies that helped me navigate this challenging situation. Even when you feel overwhelmed, these steps can guide you towards a more peaceful and effective parenting approach.
Wrap Up
Today was one of those days. My six-year-old, who has ADHD, was struggling with his learning tasks. His frustration quickly escalated into an emotional outburst, leaving him feeling “stupid” and me feeling helpless. The anger turned destructive—yelling, attitude, and throwing things.
As a parent, seeing your child in such distress is heart-wrenching. It’s moments like these that test the core of mindful parenting. After the kids went to bed, my husband and I sat down to reflect on the day’s events. We shared our frustrations, guilt, and sadness, but also our unwavering commitment to our child’s well-being. Our conversation was a vital part of processing the situation and brainstorming strategies to help our son manage his emotions better.
Through this experience, I remembered that mindful parenting isn’t about having all the answers or staying perfectly calm. It’s about being present, acknowledging our own feelings, and working through challenges together as a family. It’s about showing up, even when it’s hard, and finding ways to support each other through the toughest moments. What matters most is that our child knows he is loved and supported, and that we, as parents, are committed to learning and growing alongside him with compassion and resilience.
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